Things That Upset me

1. sarcasm that cuts to the bone
2. turning to someone for help, but instead getting kicked when I'm down
3. rudeness
4. hurting all things innocent and/or helpless: children, animals, older people
5. not being able to put my head in my mother's lap anymore
6. not being able to have my husband's child
7. impatient sales clerks
8. people who refuse to apologize
9. throwing away leftovers
10. arrogance

ramblings from a scattered mind

I'm in a valley. It's dark. It's cold. It's lonely. I'm desperate. I feel lost. I'm afraid.

"God is a spirit, and they who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth."

But I'm still human. I'm physical. I don't know how to bridge this void between You and me.

I know You love me. Right now, that's all I know. But I think it's enough.....for now.

Today, Lord

I have a full plate today, Lord. Today marks one year that Mom has lived with You. Today we will attend Mr. Bill's funeral. Today the doctor will examine me to see if I need a D & C. Today my emotions are being stretched. I feel slightly overwhelmed, but I know You are more than able to carry me through. So, today, Lord....I think I'll climb up into Your arms and let You carry me.....today. I'll walk beside You tomorrow. But today.....today I'll let You do the walking.

One Year

Yesterday was the one-year anniversay of the Sunday my mother passed away - Sunday, October 22, 2006. The one-year anniversary of her death is actually today, but I thought about it more yesterday than today, probably because it became a so-not-normal Sunday for us. We didn't go to church. We didn't listen to the service on the radio, which is our habit when we're not feeling well and decide to stay in. We didn't leave early to drive to a Sunday afternoon Titans football game in Nashville. And as I was preparing for church, asking God to give me grace to get through the day without being a needy, whiny, look-at-me basketcase, He had already been setting the wheels in motion for me.

When I was growing up in southeast Florida, my mother and I used to play organ-piano duets in church a lot. Oh, how my mother could make an organ sing! Sometimes we'd sing duets together, also. One of our favorites to sing or play together was "Ivory Palaces." I've not heard that song in years.....more years than I can remember. Yesterday Linda Abel and her daughter, Jennifer, were scheduled to sing in church. You guessed it, they sang "Ivory Palaces." Here was this mother-daughter team singing so beautifully together what my mother and I used to sing together on the one Sunday when I needed to hear it the most. The emotions came over me, but I kept myself together, thanks to my husband, Chris, who put his arm around me and grabbed my hand with his free hand. I closed my eyes and praised God for His eternal provision for my mother.

I miss my mother, but I wouldn't bring her back here for anything. I wouldn't ask her to leave what she's experiencing at this very moment to return to this fallen world. I'll miss her but briefly. Before I know it, I'll see her again. I hope she greets with me her familiar, "Hey, doll!"

Joy Comes in the Morning

There are times when the events of our lives make absolutely no sense whatsoever. In fact, to the world, those events look totally cruel and heartless, surely not the workings of a loving God. It is in those times the enemy comes and whispers lies in our ears as he tries to convince us we're all alone, that God has abandoned us. And it is in those times it is imperative that we know that we know that we know that we know that God is sovereign. And good. And right. Even while staring down at the crumbled pieces of our lives that lay strewn haphazardly at our feet, we can find strength and hope and peace in the One who loves us, the very One who has nothing but wonderful plans for us.

In my disappointments and tears, I can rest secure in the knowledge that - even though my heartbreak doesn't make sense to me - my Lord has nothing but good thoughts towards me. The Creator of the Universe is captivated by my presence. He's crazy about me. I take His breath away.

My Abba Daddy wants me to know that Jesus is enough. That's a truth you can take to the bank. Whether my heart believes it not at the moment doesn't alter that truth one iota. Jesus IS my sufficiency, pure and simple. Before a truth reaches my heart, it must first start out in my mind. I must say that truth outloud over and over and over again.

As the dust begins to settle, that truth penetrates into my heart, where it stays firmly attached until the next event threatens to shatter my foundation. Then, drawing upon knowledge gained in a lesson learned, I am reminded that Jesus is my all in all, and I shall once again make it through with Him as my Guide.

Grief

In the week since Nattie went Home, I've experienced a myriad of emotions, not the least of which has been guilt....guilt over a pain in my heart caused from the death of a woman who I knew not even remotely as well as some others knew her. I find myself saying to myself (yes, I DO have two-way conversations with myself, and - for the most part - they're pretty productive conversations), "How presumptuous of you to try to share in the grief of those who knew her best." But in the short time I knew Natalie Rose, I learned a lifetime of lessons, and perhaps it is in the knowledge that the teacher is no longer here to shape my person that I am fully realizing my loss.

• Nattie taught me trust in a God whose ways far exceed my expectations. In the midst of dung, she arose fresh as a daisy, which I've recently learned from Sara was her favorite flower. She honestly expressed her emotions for the moment, never masking the frustration and doubt that sometimes plague us all, but she always ended with a total reliance upon her Lord.
• Nattie taught me the joy of giving. When she had nothing, she gave to others. She looked beyond her own circumstances and saw the needs of those whom God had placed in her life, embracing the moment to be a blessing. For so many years my insecurity stood in the way of my reaching out to others. Now I've learned the freedom that comes in letting go of those things I thought I needed to survive.
• Nattie, also, taught me the relevance of allowing others to bless me. I'm such a stubborn, independent old goat. I've learned the joy of giving, but receiving hurts my pride. Nattie loved to give to others, but she was equally as gracious a recipient of the gifts from others. I don't stutter and stammer nearly as much when someone reaches out to me.
• Nattie taught me it's OK to be honest with God, that God can help us work through our honesty and come to a place of contentment in the only one who can truly satisfy our souls.
• Nattie taught me that no matter who may or may not be in my life, the true lover of my soul is Jesus. I so often find myself turning to my earthly husband for assurance of who I am, when my true identity is found in Christ. When my security comes from my Creator, I can reach out to my husband without reservation, with total acceptance of who I am.

Several months ago the Lord placed Nattie on my heart in a very specific way. I couldn't understand why, but after some wrestling with how my actions would be received by Natalie, I followed through. The result was the beginning of the teacher-student relationship, and I can only praise God for not letting me ignore the urgings of His Holy Spirit. I'm now learning to be more sensitive to that still, small voice that whispers in my ear, that tug upon my heart. What I used to pass off as emotions for the moment I now consider divine appointments, and it has ever changed not only my actions, but my reactions as well.

To those of you who knew Natalie Rose intimately, deeply, and long-term, thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to grieve with you.

Welcome Home, Natalie Rose

Nattie went home to be with Jesus.......her struggles are over. She is experiencing "joy unspeakable and full of glory."

Well done, thou good and faithful servant.