Grief

In the week since Nattie went Home, I've experienced a myriad of emotions, not the least of which has been guilt....guilt over a pain in my heart caused from the death of a woman who I knew not even remotely as well as some others knew her. I find myself saying to myself (yes, I DO have two-way conversations with myself, and - for the most part - they're pretty productive conversations), "How presumptuous of you to try to share in the grief of those who knew her best." But in the short time I knew Natalie Rose, I learned a lifetime of lessons, and perhaps it is in the knowledge that the teacher is no longer here to shape my person that I am fully realizing my loss.

• Nattie taught me trust in a God whose ways far exceed my expectations. In the midst of dung, she arose fresh as a daisy, which I've recently learned from Sara was her favorite flower. She honestly expressed her emotions for the moment, never masking the frustration and doubt that sometimes plague us all, but she always ended with a total reliance upon her Lord.
• Nattie taught me the joy of giving. When she had nothing, she gave to others. She looked beyond her own circumstances and saw the needs of those whom God had placed in her life, embracing the moment to be a blessing. For so many years my insecurity stood in the way of my reaching out to others. Now I've learned the freedom that comes in letting go of those things I thought I needed to survive.
• Nattie, also, taught me the relevance of allowing others to bless me. I'm such a stubborn, independent old goat. I've learned the joy of giving, but receiving hurts my pride. Nattie loved to give to others, but she was equally as gracious a recipient of the gifts from others. I don't stutter and stammer nearly as much when someone reaches out to me.
• Nattie taught me it's OK to be honest with God, that God can help us work through our honesty and come to a place of contentment in the only one who can truly satisfy our souls.
• Nattie taught me that no matter who may or may not be in my life, the true lover of my soul is Jesus. I so often find myself turning to my earthly husband for assurance of who I am, when my true identity is found in Christ. When my security comes from my Creator, I can reach out to my husband without reservation, with total acceptance of who I am.

Several months ago the Lord placed Nattie on my heart in a very specific way. I couldn't understand why, but after some wrestling with how my actions would be received by Natalie, I followed through. The result was the beginning of the teacher-student relationship, and I can only praise God for not letting me ignore the urgings of His Holy Spirit. I'm now learning to be more sensitive to that still, small voice that whispers in my ear, that tug upon my heart. What I used to pass off as emotions for the moment I now consider divine appointments, and it has ever changed not only my actions, but my reactions as well.

To those of you who knew Natalie Rose intimately, deeply, and long-term, thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to grieve with you.